The one constant
by slickchick84
Summary: Serena reflects on her past with Blair and what lead her to sleep with Nate. Blair tries coping as best she can in the year that Serena is gone. Very tame Waldsen. Two shot.
1. The one constant

_**For those of you that don't read femslash, don't worry, this story is far from graphic. Give it a chance, because I think everyone can at least honestly say there is an obvious attraction of sorts between Serena and Blair and I simply wanted to put my spin on things.**_

_**Before reading this I want you all to consider that I've never read the books and only watched the first four episodes to date, so if the characters aren't exactly true to form, forgive me. Also I don't have any knowledge of their past together and stuff, so I made it up obviously:)**_

**_This takes place during episode 3._**

_**Okay, I don't own it, so don't sue me!**_

The one constant.

Serena didn't have very many great childhood memories that didn't include Blair. Then again, she didn't have very many _bad_ ones that didn't include her either. In Serena's life Blair had just always been there, regardless of good or bad, probably her only true constant.

She had been there on her seventh birthday when Lilly had finally agreed to let Serena ride a pony. Something Lilly had been greatly adverse to before because , although it was hard to believe today, she was a rather nervous mother when her children were very young. Serena could still remember in great detail how Blair's face had lit up when Serena strolled past atop the white pony. How she had squealed in pure delight and smiled so sweetly at Serena's evident pleasure. She could also remember with almost startling clarity how safe she had felt when they allowed Blair to join her and Blair, as the tallest for probably the last time in their years together, sat behind her and held her close. Blair had smelled of strawberries and cotton candy and her warmth and smell had seeped into Serena's own skin. Despite how things were between them today, Serena could still smell strawberries and still feel Blair's warmth against her back if she tried hard enough.

Blair had also been there when Serena cried for two hours straight when Lilly had casually informed her she would not be home the day of Serena's thirteenth birthday. A business trip she called it, but Serena knew what it was. Lilly had met a young, rich CEO who had invited her to join him at his house in Miami for a few days and she had agreed. That was the first time Serena recognized that she was not her mother's first priority anymore. She had felt replaced and betrayed and instinctively Blair had somehow realized this. When she opened her eyes that Sunday morning, she was greeted with the sight of a smiling Blair. That was the first time they watched Breakfast at Tiffany's together, snuggled up in Serena's white sheets and each other's arms. Somehow Blair had managed to dull the sharp edges of Serena's disappointment and in doing so birthed one of their shared joys; Sunday mornings with Audrey.

Of course, some of the painful memories where there_ because_ of Blair. The night Nate kissed Blair for the first time was the night things changed for Serena. Changed _painfully_. Up until that moment Serena had been happy to share Blair with Nate, had not felt threatened in the least by the dull, unimaginative boy, but that kiss instilled fear in her fourteen year old heart. The fear that she might lose something that had always belonged to her without question or doubt; Blair Waldorf.

It did not occur to her back then to search for the reason behind the fear, to understand why her chest tightened and her breath became painful when Blair described it to her in detail later. In that moment she could only let it wash over her. That was the first night she got so drunk she could barely walk on her own. That was the night she let Chuck Bass get to third base before she puked all over his shoes. That was the night they sat with her on the cold white tiles of the bathroom floor as she expelled the last of the alcohol from her burning stomach. That was the fateful night they became Serena, Blair _and Nate. _Never after that were they just Serena and Blair again.

Serena hated the memory of that night, hazy as most of it was, because that was where it started going wrong in her mind. That was the first night of many that led from kissing boys she didn't really like to having sex with boys she didn't really like. That led to hangovers and guilt and more fear, because all this did was make Blair hold her longer and harder on a Sunday morning before leaving in the afternoon to go to Nate. Nate who smiled as sweetly at Serena as he did at Blair, who once punched a boy who called her a slut (even though everyone knew it was more or less true) and never really minded too much when she stole Blair away completely every once in a while.

What Serena hated most about that time in her life was all the truths she buried so deep in herself. The truth that at the age of sixteen she finally knew she loved Blair Waldorf with every fiber in her being, that she knew Nate looked at her with more then friendship shining in his eyes and that she was slowly breaking apart. She kept all of that at bay with drinks and nameless bodies and breathless moans.

Then one day the body that should have had no name, had one. She knew what she was doing that day, knew what her actions could lead to, would lead to even. She slept with Nate Archibald uncaring of the consequences, because she needed to know. She needed to know what was so special about Nate that Blair would love him, would plan her whole future around him. What it was he had that blinded Blair to Serena's truth, the one she finally accepted while he touched her body and breathed her name.

The truth that no one loved Blair like Serena did and that no one could love Serena as Blair did.

Then afterwards she felt the fear again. She felt it as she pulled her dress back down and wiped his kisses from her mouth. As she wished she could so easily wipe the shame away, the memory of it all really. She couldn't though, so she did the next best thing. She ran from it. She ran from drinks and bodies and moans. She ran from her own truth. She ran from Blair.

In the end she knew she couldn't out run her own guilt, so she kept it close to her. Wrapped it around her heart and nurtured it. She deserved the guilt, she knew that. That was the only constant in the year she spent away from Blair.

When she stood in front of people that would decide her future, she gripped that guilt fiercely and it gave her courage. She let the memories wash over her again, all of them, the good and the bad before she spoke.

She spoke of forgiveness, of mistakes. She spoke of moving forward and letting the past go, because in that moment, in that new memory, she knew she couldn't keep that guilt in her forever. She needed to let it go, for Eric's sake in that instant, but for her and Blair's in the long run. The guilt that kept her quiet, that kept her from fighting with Blair, was also keeping her _from_ Blair.

So she asked Blair if it was enough, if they were even, if they could just stop, but Blair walked away and Serena let her. Not because the guilt was too much, but because she was just tired of it. Tired of seeing Blair look at her with those hurt eyes, tired of worrying about Eric, tired of fighting with Lilly.

Just for a little while she wanted to be some place quiet and think. So she sat in the rain and read and remembered her seventh birthday, then her thirteenth. Remembered strawberries and ponies, Blair pressed against her back, Audrey on a Sunday morning and innocently tangled sheets.

Then as if her memories had somehow invoked her, there stood Blair.

"Whenever somethings bothering you, I can always find you here."

Serena cleared her throat, swallowing down the memories, both good and bad, as she stood.

"You here for another cat fight?"

She hoped to God Blair wasn't, because even though she was prepared to fight her now, it would still hurt her to do it.

Then she watched, waiting for the insults to start, as Blair pulled a letter from her bag.

"What's that?"

Blair's voice wasn't angry for the first time in what felt like ages to Serena as she replied

"A letter. I wrote it to you when you were away at boarding school. I never sent it."

Serena waited, unsure of what to say in that moment, unsure of what Blair was trying to achieve by it all.

Then her heart broke just a little at a time as Blair read it aloud. The guilt came flooding back and hit her squarely in her chest, the need to cry so overwhelming in that moment as she realized how badly Blair had needed her back then.

"Why didn't you send it, I would have..."

Blair interrupted her then, her voice a mix of hopelessness and subdued anger.

"You would have what?" Her voice hitched and it made Serena's heart clench in pain. "You knew, Serena and you didn't even call."

Serena struggled with her own tears in that moment again, wanting to somehow explain things to Blair, make her see why she ran.

"I didn't know what to say to you or even how to be your friend after what I did. I'm so sorry."

Blair seemed to relent, her eyes softer than Serena expected.

"Eric told me what happened. I guess your families been going through a hard time too."

After a moment a small smile flashed across Blair's face and Serena loved her more in that moment than ever before, because after everything that had happened between them, after the hurt Serena had caused her, Blair was still there for Serena. Still the constant in her life.

She stood there and let the familiarity of it wash over her. The rightness of it. Realizing once again that Blair was hers and she was Blair's. She made a decision in that moment and hoped that one day she would look back at this as a good memory.

With that hope and sense of rightness in her heart, she stepped closer and kissed Blair Waldorf.

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Okay, I hope you liked it, if you didn't tell me why, but please do so constructively. Natasha Beddingfield isn't the only one that bruises easily after all! So if you liked it, maybe I'll do another one more Blair centric, I don't know. Depends on the reviews, so...uhm...review and let me know if it's worth it:)


	2. The appearance of perfection

_**So I've only managed to catch up to episode 5 and decided to basically ignore that completely. This story still centers around episode 3, obviously:) **_

_**So this is my take on Blair. I'm not sure you'll like it, but this is simply what I imagined could have been some of her thoughts and reasons for doing what she does in the first three episodes. **_

_**It's not mine, don't sue!**_

The appearance of perfection.

Blair centric.

The year Blair Waldorf spent without her best friend was both the year she reached perfection and the year she was farthest away from it. A statement that contradicts itself on the surface, but is none the less true when one takes the time to look deeper.

Serena's abrupt and unannounced departure left the throne wide open and Blair being Blair, she did not hesitate as she ruthlessly took her place in it. It was the most natural thing in the world for Blair to step in and rule. No one was brave enough to question it and no one dumb enough to challenge her for it. For it was a truth universally known that while Serena had had all the appearance of power, Blair had always been the force behind it. Serena with her charming personality and physical beauty had only served to temper Blair's desire, no _hunger_, for total social domination.

So with Serena gone, Blair slipped so easily into the role of ruler of their own little upper east side kingdom. The appearance of perfection she built guaranteed her utter devotion and for a time she reveled in it. She was Blair Waldorf and she was finally were she was meant to be. She had Nate, who fit so well into the role of perfect boyfriend with his classic features and sturdy bank balance. She had wealthy parents who earned respect in both their chosen careers and assured that the Waldorf name was one that carried weight in their world.

For a while she could push aside the voice that told her Nate was surely and steadily withdrawing from her, that the boy kissed her like it was a duty, that he preferred to hangout with _Chuck Bass_ and get high than have a serious conversation with her. That she could not remember the last time she saw _both_ her parents in the same room together, much less have a family dinner with her. That all these things would be bearable if only Serena had been there. If only she had her best friend to hold her as they watched Audrey on the screen and whisper that it would be okay.

Yet Serena was gone and Blair pretended not to care, just like she pretended that her relationship with Nate was perfect and that her parents were okay. So for all the world could see and know, Blair Waldorf reached perfection for a time.

Then Blair's carefully constructed world crumpled so completely, it shattered her a little as well. Her father left them. For as much as Blair could understand his reasons, he still left them, _her_, in the end. It hurt. It hurt and led to the realization that Blair was all alone. Her mother was beside herself, working long hours and spending no time at home. Probably trying to run away from her own sense of failure. Nate was still trapped in a daze, his eyes unseeing when it came to Blair's pain, too dulled by drugs and caught up in a memory that Blair would only later learn the truth of.

What stood out most was Serena's absence. Serena's warmth and lazy smile that could always settle the turmoil that few realized resided in Blair's mind. Serena that would know to simply open her arms and let Blair snuggle in, that would ease the girls self doubt with her simple presence and quiet assurance that she'd always be there. No matter what. No matter if her mother thought she could lose a few pounds, or that she could be more open and relaxed like Serena herself. Moments like that, when Serena just let her quietly be, Blair loved Serena more than anything in the world, because Serena asked for nothing in return. She had no expectations and she had no standards that Blair was supposed to live up too.

So in a time when Blair felt she had disappointed everyone in some way, had slipped under every standard set for her by society, by her parents and mostly by herself, she longed for those moments in her best friends arms. She longed for the peace that the, now missing, wild child of the upper east side used to give her.

She longed for the Serena that few people got to see. Not the one that drank vodka straight form the bottle and gave boys lap dances as a joke. Not the one that so effortlessly had everyone in the palm of her slender hand. No, Blair missed the girl that would sneak into her room at five in the morning, after spending the night God knows where and doing God knows what, whispering that she wanted to fall asleep with her. The girl whose eyes would follow her in a room and make her feel wanted and loved even without ever having said it. The girl that would almost carelessly grab her hand and play with her fingers as they walked through the park.

The girl that Blair had loved for most of her life. The girl that left Blair when she needed her most.

So Blair was lost as her imperfect life warred with her very perfect image. In the end she survived the first by clinging to the latter. An image of perfection was better than nothing at all.

So imagine her surprise, maybe her utter terror, when news of Serena's return finally reached her. Now in the time that passed, Blair had a chance to think a lot of things over. She had time to realize that Nate's sudden retreat, sudden sadness, coincided with Serena's rapid departure. That if Serena had never gone away to begin with, Blair would never know what it felt like to have girls like Katie and Jenny look at her with admiration in their eyes. That the only sense of safety she had the past year, that blind devotion and love born almost of fear, would not belong to her.

So for her, Serena's sudden return was more a threat than anything else. This was completely confirmed when Nate pushed her away at the merest mention of Serena's name. The moment she actually laid eyes on Serena, her heart and her calculating mind fought a very short battle. In the end Serena herself, by brushing Blair off so easily, made the battle almost obsolete. Blair felt that small betrayal deeply and it deepened her resolve. After all, the appearance of perfection was better than none at all. She would not lose her throne, she would not lose Nate and she would most definitely not lose the new Blair to Serena.

Yet her resolve weakened with a simple admission. With the words 'I missed you' spoken so earnestly from Serena's mouth. Her weakness for the girl was so apparent and maybe that's what made what happened next so hard for Blair, despite the obvious betrayal.

When Nate admitted to sleeping with Serena, something broke in Blair. The part of Blair that had missed Serena so much, that had wandered what _she_ had done, or not done, or said to make the girl leave, that part turned cold and hard and gave Blair a steely strong need for vengeance.

Serena would pay for hurting Blair, for making her doubt if she had been a good friend to Serena. Mostly she wanted to hurt Serena for sleeping with Nate, for doing something that so clearly shows how little she really cared about Blair. So she went about her vengeance as one would expect of Blair Waldorf. It was perfect in Blair's mind. She would ruin Serena's future as Serena had threatened to ruin hers by sleeping with Nate, by showing Blair how little she was worth, how little she meant.

So Blair watched and hardened herself as Serena spoke of forgiveness, valiantly fought the part that heard the sadness, the regret in Serena's voice and wanted to instinctively comfort her. In the end she simply cut her off, not being able to stand much more of this Serena, of a girl that looked so honest in her need for setting things right.

When Serena cornered her and asked if it was enough, if they could stop now, Blair had a irrational feeling of victory. She had finally hurt Serena as much as Serena had hurt her, she had showed her that she did not need her. This new Blair Waldorf, though alone and not perfect at all, was strong without Serena Van Der Woodsen.

So she walked away, grimly satisfied with herself and the days events. Only to have her world tipped a little upside down when Eric Van Der Woodsen showed her his scarred wrist. Only to feel her heart constrict and beat with guilt. Only to stand there and realize how far she had fallen, how little there really was left of the old Blair Waldorf. That a skewed version of her stood there, a version that appeared perfect but was so far from it. That maybe the old Blair, the one that was happiest in her best friends arms with no other adoring eyes on her except Serena's, was maybe the perfect version of her. The true version.

Then she realized that maybe she was strong without Serena, but that Serena was just that little bit weaker without her. That maybe Serena had her reasons for leaving and her reasons for coming back, but that she would never know unless she put her anger aside and asked her.

Hence she read that letter to her in the rain, she asked her why she left, why she never called and she got an answer. She heard once again the regret when Serena told her she was sorry, almost cried when Serena's voice broke.

Then after that tentative smile, Serena did something, maybe the one thing, that Blair never expected. She kissed Blair. She kissed her softly and for a very long time, without pressure and expectation behind it. Just a simple kiss and it rocked Blair to her core. It shocked her that a part of her was not surprised at all, that a part of her was sighing and saying 'finally' in the back of her mind. That she felt more complete and happy with this one kiss than she had ever felt with Nate.

So when Serena pulled back and gave a worried smile, she absorbed the fact that her heart was racing with quiet resignation.

"You're mad at me again now, aren't you?"

Blair thought about if for a second before shaking her head.

"No, more sad that it took you that long to finally kiss me and me this long to realize I want you too."

Then she moved in closer, burying her face against Serena's shoulder, standing quietly as the blond held her. As she let the rightness of it all sink in. Even the understanding that this might never be perfect, but that it would have its moments and maybe that's all there ever is in life. Imperfect lives made bearable by perfect moments. She thought she could live with that, as long as Serena would stay to share both with her.

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_**Uhm...honestly this was not easy to write and I'm afraid it shows. Blair to me is pretty damn complex, so I had a hard time trying to figure her out. Basically this is me saying sorry if it sucks. So I would appreciate some feedback on this. You can tell me if you think I'm completely off the ball or if I at least got some things right with Blair. **_


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